Ali Raza CEO my personal stories.
My first experiance with death was witnessing my grandfather passing away age 7. However, was not my first experiance with trauma. This came when my cousin lost his life at age 18 we where the same age and very close from the time we were born. I left our home town in the North of England and moved to the South, London at age 9. Being my first cousin we stayed in touch visiting each other from time to time.
In the year of our 18th birthday we hand planned for him to come to London for the weekend to celebrate our 18th in Febuary. The week before everything was planned, however, this was not to be, that week my father came to me with a sad look on his face, he proceded to tell me that my cousin had passed away, the details are not important here, he was coming back home from an early celabration with friends and found himself hit by a train. This was not suicide, but and tragic accident.
When my father told me I had no idea what to say, I could not believe it, the shock was shocking being a father I had to tend to my son and his mother. I remember going home feeling strange. Two weeks later I was standing at his grave side watcthing his coffin being lowered into the ground. There has not been a month, forty years later that I don’t think of him.
How I dealt with his death
I will not say, after forty years I have dealt with this death because I find myself going over how my life would’ve been had he not died. We where very close more like brothers, twins. We knew a lot about each, he was happy for me when I became a father but used to tease me a lot.
At the time, 70’s/80’s, there was no such thing as treatment, for truma and mental health care. Not even a parent came and asked anyone of us kids, how we were doing. He had younger siblings, he was the oldest of his family, I was the forth of my family. I just remember thinking of him and recollecting the story of how the police told my uncle of his death. They came to his house saying that his son is in the hospital and could he come to the hospital, he refused, as he, they said was coming back from the city of Leeds. My uncle told them that his son had not gone to Leeds but was in the local town. They came back three times, which at this time they identifed him and that it was his son. His father was my favourite uncle, I have often wondered how he and my aunt dealt with losing their first born, another trumatic truma.
As I have said its been fifty years since his loss and I still deal with his loss, looking at how I am today and the information and services that are available in dealing with mental health and trauma today, I realise I have never dealt with the truama, of his death.
My next experiance with death/suicide
This was a family member who was married to a close member of the family, the day I met them we became very close. I was nineteen at the time and we met when I was sixteen. I could confine in them, it was a great relationship. The marrage had broken down and it came to an end. They became very upset after a while realising that the separation was a mistake and wanted a reconcilation, that was not to be. They ended up commiting suicide. When I was told what had happened I felt a great lost and did not know how to process this. Again it was like my cousins death, we where just expected to deal with the death and just move on. You don’t realise that the thoughts you are having is mental health, and the continuation of thoughts, remembrance of the person is truma.
My mothers death
My mother had become ill when I was a young boy age thirteen. recovering from a heart condition and suffering from strokes I became her carer for a number of years, again this is another story, (being a young carer).
I got a call early on a sunday morning August bank holiday. From one of my sisters telling me mum’s been taken to the hospital and that Dad would meet me there. A cold feeling ran through me as I ran out of my flat with one shoe on and the other in hand. With my girlfriend shouting at me “whats wrong”. I ran to the high road looking for a bus but being sunday it was sunday service. I began to run up the road looking behind me for a bus, I saw a black cab and flagged it down. I can remember telling the driver everything that was going on. I got to the hospital and the driver told me to go and that there was no charge, i’ve never forgot that kindness.
I ran through the hospital like I knew where I was heading finding myself in front of my father outside the emagrency room. The look on his face said it all, I broke down, screaming. All I can remember from there was my father looking at me telling me Its not good. I looked through the window and could see she was hooked up to alife support machine.
A few hours had passed and the next thing I remember was my father telling me “its the machine keeping her alive and they want to turn it off, the look on his face, “its up to you” I remember freezing, my father was a wise man my hero, but he had given me a task that not until I was in my thirties that I realised why he made that decison. The next thing I remember was being at my mothers bedside with the doctors turning off the machine and hoping that she would wake up and all would be ok, it wasn’t.
She had passed. I went to the funerel parlour something I regret to this day, as I kissed her on the forehead a cold feeling was on my lips, this has stayed with me ever since, it was from the ice, I never knew bodies were kept in cold storage. The funeral was devestating, my father did not want me to go to the church nor the burial. At that time I did not know why, but my father knew. My older sister said “no he should go”. I should have listened to my father, the truma of seeing my mother being laid to rest in the grave was again another trumatic event.
Truma is major for young people. Through my experiance, young people should be preapred for such experiances. They should be preapred before for what to expect and for what comes after. They should have someone around who they can talk to wither that be a professional or a family member.
My first suicide
My first suicide was a relitive who as previously mentioned I was vey close to for a while, they where very kind towards me and the first time I met them it was love at first sight. they became distance after some issues within the family which caused a split, sometime later there was a call for forgiveness, this could not happen. The suicide was a shock to me and I had no idea how to deal with this sistuation. it was something in those days you were not to address you never talked about it and no one asked you about how you was doing. I was contacted by their younger brother who at the time was around the same age as myself he talked about the death and I remember not being able to know what to say, he himself was in a state of shock. It was expected in the 50’s 60’s 70’s and 80’s suicide was not talked about to young people, losing a loved one was deemed normal.
My first youth Suicide “THE WORLD IS TO BIG MUM “
J came to me as a young 13 year old, non confident young person, a shy only child loved by mum. Was recommend due to the lack of condidence in school and was seen as a loner, very much interested in boxing. After working with J for a few weeks I relised they were a very kind caring young person and had a beautiful relationship with mum,
As time passed we became very close and would spend at least 4/5 days training in boxing and if I was not coaching J they would be in the gym hitting the punch bags. Time progressed and J became more condfident both outside and in school, mum always gave a full report. School to them became understandable, that you are there for a short period and there to learn and to concenrtate on the subjects that make you happy and that you only need grades from the other subjects to gain a pass.
The more they boxed the more confident they became mum was very happy. J left school with good grades. J kept asking me if it was a good idea that they went to a local boxing gym to gain more experience in sparring, I told them there was still a lot to do but could also see that the confidence was big and there was no stopping them. J came to me one day and said they had joined a gym and was starting to spar, I nooded but did not give my full approval. As time went on I was being told of the training at the new gym I was a bit concerned. Time went on and I became more and more concerned. I noticed a quiteness had come over J, they were reverting back to when I first met them.
I began talking more about the gym and J told me they were sparring with older and bigger boys than themself, this was a concern. J became more distance from me, turning up training once a week. J’ and mum, had a great relationship an only child with minor contact with dad, and never talked about them much. The last week I saw J, I saw the quiteness but no difference in our relationship we talked about their up and coming bout and being licenced as a fighter, and would I be coming to the fight, there was no doubt that I would be there.
My phone rang one day at 2.30am in the morning, I’ll never forget. “its J’s mum” I was some what asleep and had to think which J as I knew three J’s then, “J has killed themself” I jumped up as I regonsied which J it was, “I cant talk right now I just wanted to let you know”, My heart was in pain, shock, by 8am I was on the phone to mum. “what are you saying ? “he left a note THE WORLD IS JUST TO BIG MUM” J had jumped in front of a speeding train.
I’ve never talked to anyone about my feelings, for 10 years, on losing a great kid and friend, old school mentality still there. Truma if you are not strong to a degree is devestating and if not addressed can leave you scared.
My first attempted suicide.
L was a young 14 year old at the time, with a lot of issues. Struggling with a lot of family issues, came from a secure unit. On meeting L I was aware not only that they were an intelligent ADHD individual but very aware of what they were doing and where they where, had no problem navigating new surroundings.
Within a week L was self harming, the most extreme was banging of the head on to any surface available, walls, people and floors. L could not be left alone for more than 5 minutes, as the days went by they self harmed more and the talk of suicide became more intense. L ended up in hospital after a near suicide attempt became real. At the hospital things became more aggressive, to the point every thing was taken out of the room and L was surrounded by 6/7 members of staff.
I had become close to L after they attecked me and on the following day they thought I would not talk to them because of the assult, showing L this was not the case they became confident of our relationship. I spent three weeks at L’s bed side assiting the hospital with their needs and complex behaviour. This was again a trumatic experiance to watch a young person, teenager, attempt suicide.
Dealing with attempted Suicide and Death helping young people.
SMK “the power to care”
Helpliness:
Samaritans 116 123
Childline 24/7 0800 11 11
See Suicide and Teens
